I Eat Everyday

Japan is a culture of busy bodies, I think. Everybody is in a rush to go somewhere. Advanced booking is generally a must. It is very common to schedule a meeting with your friends a month in advance.   In Mongolia, it is unheard of to schedule a hangout. Usually, I would call up my friend and ask if they would like to go out or have coffee. It is very common to go over to my friend's place to hang out. Impromptu is everywhere.   So, because we are living in a scheduled society, dating sucks in Japan. Recently, a friend of mine recommended I open a Bumble account. I was hesitant at first because I had been catfished through a similar application. But I am giving it a try.   It is very weird to schedule a date a month in advance. Ok it is okay to schedule a date in a week or two, but a month advance feels weird. Also, I still feel hesitant to meet up because I am IMAGINING everything to go bad. My mind is saying prepare for the worst.   Then I remember Brené Brown’s TE...

Recently, I have been noticing that I am becoming a bit lazier than usual.   Don't give me wrong, I really enjoy a day here and there with absolutely nothing to do or the desire to do. That usually happens every few months.   However, lately I've noticed I don't feel like doing anything.   There are things I want to do in my head, but my body or my mood isn't moving.   Then again, yesterday, when my cousin asked if I could sew up his pants, I did in a few minutes. Then, I felt like I wanted to sew more. Maybe I need a setup or trigger to do something.   So, I tested the theory. I had some computer work. So, I set up my computer and am still working.   But to combat my laziness that is creeping up, I think I will start without imagining the commitments and time that I will be spending. Then it might work?

  Please be warned that this post might trigger mental health issues and depression. Please know that there is always help if you are struggling. Please have the courage to reach out.       My first thought of taking my own life came to me when I was driving. At that moment, all I thought to myself was, everything I am feeling; feeling of uselessness, feeling of I am not doing enough, feeling of self-blame, feeling of shame, feeling of responsibilities, feeling of my father's guilt, feeling of my mother's vulnerability, would stop if I were not breathing. I entertained the idea a couple more times. It will start with a thought of what I can do to help my parents. Then it will spiral down; I would think I should have studied things that my father could have used; I should have brought an American investor; I should have done this and that. This spiral thinking will stop at the bottom with one escape. My baby brother (he was 4 or 5) was the one who carried all of ...

Please be warned that this post might trigger mental health issues and depression. Please know that there is always help if you are struggling. Please have the courage to reach out.  In my life, several things trigger emotions in me. When I was a little bit younger, I didn't really notice them or care for them. As I think and analyze more about myself and my surroundings, I have started to notice them. It is fair to say that this process has been happening since 2017. When I was in my teens, I had the "disease to please" everyone (Oprah called it), especially my parents. Like any teenager, I tried to fit in and get good grades. Whose sake? Most likely for the approval of my parents. With my hard work, I got As and Bs on most subjects except English. It is funny. English was my least favorite subject, yet I studied in America, and I use English for my work. Don't give wrong, I liked the praise. Given my surroundings and education at that point, my view of life or anyth...