I Eat Everyday

  Please be warned that this post might trigger mental health issues and depression. Please know that there is always help if you are struggling. Please have the courage to reach out.       My first thought of taking my own life came to me when I was driving. At that moment, all I thought to myself was, everything I am feeling; feeling of uselessness, feeling of I am not doing enough, feeling of self-blame, feeling of shame, feeling of responsibilities, feeling of my father's guilt, feeling of my mother's vulnerability, would stop if I were not breathing. I entertained the idea a couple more times. It will start with a thought of what I can do to help my parents. Then it will spiral down; I would think I should have studied things that my father could have used; I should have brought an American investor; I should have done this and that. This spiral thinking will stop at the bottom with one escape. My baby brother (he was 4 or 5) was the one who carried all of ...

Please be warned that this post might trigger mental health issues and depression. Please know that there is always help if you are struggling. Please have the courage to reach out.  In my life, several things trigger emotions in me. When I was a little bit younger, I didn't really notice them or care for them. As I think and analyze more about myself and my surroundings, I have started to notice them. It is fair to say that this process has been happening since 2017. When I was in my teens, I had the "disease to please" everyone (Oprah called it), especially my parents. Like any teenager, I tried to fit in and get good grades. Whose sake? Most likely for the approval of my parents. With my hard work, I got As and Bs on most subjects except English. It is funny. English was my least favorite subject, yet I studied in America, and I use English for my work. Don't give wrong, I liked the praise. Given my surroundings and education at that point, my view of life or anyth...

     First of all, Happy New Year to you and your loved ones. I hope this year will bring you what you have wished for.       Secondly, as the new year begins, we all like to put some impossible challenges in the name of resolution and changing ourselves. I did that every single year. Then every single year, by the end of it, I blame myself for not completing the things that I said to myself that I would accomplish that year. So, this year, I said to myself that I would do only one thing. That is, I will not put a challenge for myself. I will do things that I will like and do those things with a mindset of someone who wants to be a better human being.       Lastly, I would like to see new areas and take an international trip.       That is it for now.       I have more things to share about our family roadtrip and work ski trip. Also, all the drama about my work, of course.     ...

     It has been non-stop since I got back from Mongolia. First, I had to move. I had three weeks before I had to return the apartment. I moved several boxes a day. Then my father came to help. While he was here, we had to drive to Kochi, which took three days. I drove 12 hours each way. Then it was moving week for both me and my cousins. A day before we actually moved the last of the furniture, my cousins got a phone call. It was dreadful news. Their father had passed away due to his illness. As soon as we finished moving, or more like shoving things into the house, they had to prepare to go back to Mongolia for the funeral. That week was horrible.      Then it was time to look for a parking spot for the car. The house comes with a parking spot, but we have two cars, so we needed to find a spot for the second car. It was a stressful week right after my cousins had left for Mongolia, because I had to park the car at the coin parking since my cousin hadn’t f...

     It always feels sad to say goodbye.       It has been almost a month since I came home. I helped my parents, especially my mom, move things and clean. My mom just started a tourist base an hour from the city center. There were a lot of things to do, specifically, little things that needed to be done. Then I became an inpatient at Bodi Setgelten (the one I was hospitalized back in May of this year). I spent 5 days and got home today. Now, I have a few more days before I go.       No matter how many times I have said goodbye to my family and friends, I always feel sad. Initially, I felt like crying. I cried once when I had to leave my 3-month-old brother. Even though I don't cry anymore, I always feel sad.       Back in May, I thought to myself that I needed to come back home at least once a year. It helps my sanity and physically ( I am in a cooler environment when it is the hottest in Japan).  Also, I g...

     It has been a couple of weeks since I posted.       It was hectic for a couple of weeks.       First: Work. During the summers, we offer themed programs in English (of course). This year we had two different themes: Dinosaur and Pirates. There are a lot of things that go into putting a program together. From tiny details like who is going to buy the snacks or who is going to sweep the floor, to what each teacher is going to teach and make. I am responsible for all the seasonal programs. So, I had to delegate some of the logistics tasks to other people. The first week went fine. We had wonderful kids who could understand and speak in English to a degree. Also, we were more prepared for the week. Then the second week comes. We weren't prepared as much as in the first week. There were a lot of ideas, and we did them all. Even though it felt like we weren't that prepared, we were prepared enough to have some activities that we didn...