Stress triggers (Part 2) => went on a tangent

 Please be warned that this post might trigger mental health issues and depression.

Please know that there is always help if you are struggling. Please have the courage to reach out. 

    My first thought of taking my own life came to me when I was driving. At that moment, all I thought to myself was, everything I am feeling; feeling of uselessness, feeling of I am not doing enough, feeling of self-blame, feeling of shame, feeling of responsibilities, feeling of my father's guilt, feeling of my mother's vulnerability, would stop if I were not breathing. I entertained the idea a couple more times. It will start with a thought of what I can do to help my parents. Then it will spiral down; I would think I should have studied things that my father could have used; I should have brought an American investor; I should have done this and that. This spiral thinking will stop at the bottom with one escape. My baby brother (he was 4 or 5) was the one who carried all of us during that hard time, even though he didn't realize it then. 

    One day, as a second escape, I registered for a six-week Japanese language course in Tokyo, Japan. Then I registered for another one. While studying Japanese, I applied for a Master's program. I did all the necessary paperwork, took the test, and did the interview. Then I got my acceptance letter a few weeks ago, before my language course finished. Now, when I think about that time, I barely remember much. Because I kept reminding myself one thing at a time, if I focus too much on other things, I know I would spiral down. During that time, I listened to a lot of motivational speeches. I listened to them over and over again because it was giving me a tiny bit of self-confidence every time I heard them. 

    During my master's program, I tried my best. Some of my classmates might think I was closed off or hard to approach. Back then, I had to be. I was finding myself and learning how to operate the brain and emotions that I had experienced. Slowly, I opened up to the people I was closest to. They were supportive and understanding. They didn't try to tell me that it is superficial, which my father will say to this day. They acknowledged my pain and didn't judge me. 

    It has taken me four or five years before I realized that I had my confidence back. It is not the confidence that I had when I was 18 years old, which was that I could do things and change the world. But, it was the confidence that I can do difficult things, given my experiences and mental exercise. 

    Now, I know how my brain and emotions get triggered. Not a lot of things trigger, and it rarely happens. I realize it at the first sign when my mind wanders off. In that moment, I will change the subject or focus. Then I go back and decipher what I was feeling and thinking. 

    With this process, I learned how to talk confidently and learned to say no. I learned to accept myself for who I really am. I learned not to care too much. I learned how not to give a shit about things that I cannot control. 

AGAIN, if you are struggling mentally, there is help out there. PLEASE, PLEASE reach out. You can do it here. I am only opening the comments for this post and the last one.