I Eat Everyday

  Please be warned that this post might trigger mental health issues and depression. Please know that there is always help if you are struggling. Please have the courage to reach out.       My first thought of taking my own life came to me when I was driving. At that moment, all I thought to myself was, everything I am feeling; feeling of uselessness, feeling of I am not doing enough, feeling of self-blame, feeling of shame, feeling of responsibilities, feeling of my father's guilt, feeling of my mother's vulnerability, would stop if I were not breathing. I entertained the idea a couple more times. It will start with a thought of what I can do to help my parents. Then it will spiral down; I would think I should have studied things that my father could have used; I should have brought an American investor; I should have done this and that. This spiral thinking will stop at the bottom with one escape. My baby brother (he was 4 or 5) was the one who carried all of ...

Please be warned that this post might trigger mental health issues and depression. Please know that there is always help if you are struggling. Please have the courage to reach out.  In my life, several things trigger emotions in me. When I was a little bit younger, I didn't really notice them or care for them. As I think and analyze more about myself and my surroundings, I have started to notice them. It is fair to say that this process has been happening since 2017. When I was in my teens, I had the "disease to please" everyone (Oprah called it), especially my parents. Like any teenager, I tried to fit in and get good grades. Whose sake? Most likely for the approval of my parents. With my hard work, I got As and Bs on most subjects except English. It is funny. English was my least favorite subject, yet I studied in America, and I use English for my work. Don't give wrong, I liked the praise. Given my surroundings and education at that point, my view of life or anyth...

     It always feels sad to say goodbye.       It has been almost a month since I came home. I helped my parents, especially my mom, move things and clean. My mom just started a tourist base an hour from the city center. There were a lot of things to do, specifically, little things that needed to be done. Then I became an inpatient at Bodi Setgelten (the one I was hospitalized back in May of this year). I spent 5 days and got home today. Now, I have a few more days before I go.       No matter how many times I have said goodbye to my family and friends, I always feel sad. Initially, I felt like crying. I cried once when I had to leave my 3-month-old brother. Even though I don't cry anymore, I always feel sad.       Back in May, I thought to myself that I needed to come back home at least once a year. It helps my sanity and physically ( I am in a cooler environment when it is the hottest in Japan).  Also, I g...

 Work drama 2 Here is what happened.       At the beginning of the year, several structural changes were implemented. At least, they are in work-in-progress. My position didn't change but got the official recognition of the work that I was doing for the last 5 years.       We had a head teacher. That person became the English School Director, which is basically the same position but a different name. Because he is in this new position, he thinks he has to butt in everybody's job. According to his new job description, he has to know everybody's work and schedule. However, he is not doing a good job of it or demanding the position responsibilities from the lady who does all the things aka my supervisor. It has been years since he only has a title and she does everything because she is Japanese. He can't speak Japanese even though he has been living here for more than two decades. I understand it is very easy to live in a bubble where you don't ...

     I have noticed that people do things with a half-assed attitude in Mongolia, or rather, people who are building stuff don't have any architectural sense or imagination. Here is what I mean.       I went to a specific store with my parents. Right next to the store, there was a ramp and a staircase (built together). The only purpose that was done was to provide access to people, including a wheelchairs. The ramp and staircase are providing that. However, it was built only using the concrete mixture. There is no architectural sense or beauty. When I saw them, I felt ashamed and sad for everybody. I felt ashamed because even now, at least during my lifetime, people are treating their job out of spite for the Mongolian corrupt government. I felt sad because the project could have brought some gentrification to the area, and the people who executed the project don't have the decency to think a little more than what was required of them.   ...