Stress triggers (Part 1)

Please be warned that this post might trigger mental health issues and depression. Please know that there is always help if you are struggling. Please have the courage to reach out.  In my life, several things trigger emotions in me. When I was a little bit younger, I didn't really notice them or care for them. As I think and analyze more about myself and my surroundings, I have started to notice them. It is fair to say that this process has been happening since 2017. When I was in my teens, I had the "disease to please" everyone (Oprah called it), especially my parents. Like any teenager, I tried to fit in and get good grades. Whose sake? Most likely for the approval of my parents. With my hard work, I got As and Bs on most subjects except English. It is funny. English was my least favorite subject, yet I studied in America, and I use English for my work. Don't give wrong, I liked the praise. Given my surroundings and education at that point, my view of life or anyth...
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It always feels sad to say goodbye.

    It always feels sad to say goodbye. 

    It has been almost a month since I came home. I helped my parents, especially my mom, move things and clean. My mom just started a tourist base an hour from the city center. There were a lot of things to do, specifically, little things that needed to be done. Then I became an inpatient at Bodi Setgelten (the one I was hospitalized back in May of this year). I spent 5 days and got home today. Now, I have a few more days before I go. 

    No matter how many times I have said goodbye to my family and friends, I always feel sad. Initially, I felt like crying. I cried once when I had to leave my 3-month-old brother. Even though I don't cry anymore, I always feel sad. 

    Back in May, I thought to myself that I needed to come back home at least once a year. It helps my sanity and physically ( I am in a cooler environment when it is the hottest in Japan).  Also, I get to help my parents and stay connected with my friends and relatives. So, I plan to come back home every year. 

    I started preparing my luggage today. The feeling came back. The feeling is that it's my inner battle with myself. 

ME#1: You should stay home. 

ME#2: I can't. I have a job. 

ME#1: You should help your parents. 

ME#2: I am helping them.

ME#1: You can find a different job.

ME#2: The salary is too low.

ME#1: Who is going to help your parents when they are not well?

ME#2: They are healthy and doing just fine.

    It goes like this. I am feeling guilty for going to a different country. I feel guilty for not helping my parents and not being near them. I am feeling guilty for not being there for my siblings. HOWEVER, at this moment in my life, everything is okay. My parents are healthy and working. My sister is figuring things out and focusing on her health. My brother will start his high school in Japan. There are a lot of "what ifs." I know, and my family knows that when "what if" happens, things will be different. 

    For people like me who live and work in a different country, things are hard for us. We try to manage by ourselves. We ask for help from the people who have lived longer than we have. We ask for help from our coworkers. We feel lonely from time to time. We worry about our families. We hide our tears behind a smile. We tell white lies in order not to worry our parents and loved ones. I digress. 

    See you!

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